The Cruelties of Hitsuzen
by Luinramwen
Summary: The final farewell. Tears, regret... and Kurogane screws up. NOT shonen ai, and rated mainly for Kuro language. Formerly 'Don't Go', but retitled when I added the second chapter.
1. Don't Go

**Don't Go**

-Summary- The final farewell. Tears, regret... and Kurogane screws up.

A/N - In a way this is sort of a prequel one-shot to _Sometimes I Wish_. And in another way... it stands on its own. This one-shot assumes a lot of the same things as _Sometimes I Wish_. Hence why it sort of ties in. Your choice whether it actually does or not...

Oh, and please do tell me if I made any OOC mistakes. I _hate_ doing that.

Disclaimer - ehhh... don't own...

-

I didn't say good-bye.

It shouldn't be a big deal, really. I don't know why I remember that more often than any other memory connected to that time, when we were all journeying together. I mean, really. I'm not what you'd call a nice person - I've done worse things. I've done crueller things.

But they don't stick in my mind as much as that does. Maybe it's because I did say good-bye to the kids, when we left them in Clow. That was... hard. Harder than I'd ever thought it would be. Yet the one that sticks in my mind is the moment that the manju bun and the wizard were getting ready to leave. And I... I stood back in the shadows, and I never said a word.

Tomoyo-hime had forgotten herself, again, as she tended to in the presence of that damn silly mage, and was hugging him tightly and trying to hide her tears. They'd met only eight days ago, for crying out loud. It's not like they were best friends or anything. "You can't stay, even just a little bit longer?"

"No," the magician smiled gently, one of the many smiles at his disposal that I'd hated so much. "I'm afraid not. I'm sorry." He hugged her back, and the manju-bun joined in. "I... probably won't ever be back."

I'd been staring at the floor, but somehow I managed to look up as the mage simultaneously raised his eyes from Tomoyo-hime's teary ones and seemed to look directly at me. "But you'll always be in my thoughts. No matter how far me and Mokona go."

Sentiment - _gah_! I have no use for it. I looked away again even as the wizard stepped away from Tomoyo-hime as though I was his next target. That was going _way_ too far. I pretended I hadn't noticed him. A tiny stab of guilt, but nothing terrible.

I didn't see whether he looked disappointed or not... but Tomoyo-hime gave me the cold shoulder for probably two weeks afterwards, refusing to speak to someone so callous, so it's safe to assume that some look of hurt crossed his face. By the time I looked back in that direction, he was smiling again.

"Let's go, Mokona!" he said cheerfully.

I guess I could have said something. It wouldn't have killed me have said something like, "So long, Flowright." It would have been easy, painless, and probably more than he'd expected. We hadn't exactly been close... but I guess we had sort of been friends. Not buddy-buddy-share-every-thought kind of friends, but, well... just friends. I mean, _shit_. I could have even said, "Don't get yourself killed without me." It was the mage. Who knew what kind of stupid tricks he'd pull without me there to save his neck?

But I didn't. It beats me why not.

"Good-bye, good-bye!" cried Mokona. Seconds before his wings fully unfurled, I thought I heard him whisper, "Mokona doesn't want to go..."

Stab, stab.

"Me neither," whispered Fai. And I _know_ I heard that.

_Stab_.

Glowing, swirling, the magic rose up from the shining blue diagram, partially obscuring the mage's face. I saw his smile falter, saw it fade into something else as he thought himself unobserved. You didn't often see it on the wizard's face, but I knew what it was. It was weariness. It was sorrow.

It was loss.

Another stab.

This was really it, then. The final good-bye. I'd never have to see that stupid smile of his again, never have to save his neck because he was too busy grinning, never have to hear that annoying voice sing-songing yet another nickname at me. Aggravating, cowardly, abnormally happy - everything that Fai D. Flowright was would be gone.

Forever.

Tomoyo-hime looked at me expectantly. I turned my eyes away again, still feeling the little stabs of guilt as the magic swirled higher around Fai.

I _did_ want to say something, just to get that unnerving expression out of his eyes. What... well, that was a different story. It was simpler than anything else I could have said, simpler, and yet harder than anything had a right to be.

Two words. They might as well have been two thousand.

The manju bun's magic wrapped itself around the magician, and I could still have said it. He would have heard me. I know he would have. This is just a guess, but I think the wizard would have given a lot to hear me say that. To know that I didn't really hate him.

Much.

But I didn't say anything. By the time guilt and regret starting hitting me hard, it was too late. The mage was long gone.

And the two words remained, that would never get said.

"Don't go..."


	2. Can't Stay

**Can't Stay**

-Summary- Sometimes hitsuzen brings people together… and sometimes it tears them apart.

A/N – So sue me, I wanted to try something different this time. Namely, a different POV. Ummm… Enjoy?

Disclaimer – Same thing as in the first half. Don't own.

-

I told him I was leaving. He said nothing, just folded his arms as though to say, "So what?" Not "What? Already?" Not even, "About fricking time! I'm sick of your ugly face," which would have hurt, but at least it would have been a reaction. Maybe I'm weird, but I like it when people actually react to what I say so I know what they're thinking.

But nope. Leave it to Kuro-sama to find a way to be taciturn and uncommunicative. He never said a word, and I couldn't even read his eyes to tell if there was anything he was thinking, but not saying. Usually that's what I have to do with him. This time, he was expressionless as a rock. Actually, I've _seen_ more expressive rocks.

I waited patiently until it became obvious that this was one time I wasn't going to let him get away with blowing out an exasperated breath and looking away. Even then, all he said was: "I'll go tell Tomoyo. She'll want to know." And he walked away.

I was a little concerned. I'd been under the impression that we were sort of friends. OK, I'd thought we _were_ friends. Admittedly this friendship consisted mostly of him putting up with me teasing him and calling him cute nicknames in exchange for less secrecy on my part, and occasionally making the effort to be a little serious for about five minutes at a time. But maybe he really didn't care one way or another if I was around. I wouldn't have been surprised. I usually am wrong when it comes to friendship.

Within the hour the four of us – me, Mokona, Tomoyo-hime, and Kuro-pi – were saying out farewells. Well, at least three of us were. Mr. Social Sensitivity withdrew into the shadows and continues not speaking to any of us.

"You can't stay, even just a little bit longer?" the princess asked, eyes shimmering. I felt really bad. I don't like making anyone cry. She'd been so good to me, ever since I came here – taken me in, treated me like a friend. I guess we _were_ friends. We had a lot of fun together trying to get Kuro-rin into some of the outfits we'd designed together.

But staying wasn't possible. I'd always known it, in the back of my mind, but that still didn't make this any less hard.

"No," I told her as gently as I could. "I'm afraid not. I'm sorry." I enfolded her in a hug, wishing I didn't have to tell her this, wishing it wasn't true. Mokona joined in the hug as best as he could. "I… probably won't ever be back.

I had to look away from her then. I think both of us would have started crying if I hadn't. I looked up, away, and caught Kuro-pon's eyes. "But you'll always be in my thoughts," I said, speaking to Tomoyo-hime, speaking for Kuro-wan. Just so he'd know that some friends were worth remembering. "No matter how far me and Mokona go."

As quickly as Kuro-chii looked away after I'd said that, it must have annoyed him an awful lot. I could almost hear him thinking, _Gah! Sentiment! Don't have any use for it. What an idiot…_I couldn't help but smile. That would be so typical.

Tomoyo-hime hugged me again, then let go. I stepped forward, thinking I might at least try to say good-bye to Kuro-bun, even if he was being abnormally grumpy. But he ignored me so studiously that I gave up. I can only hope I didn't show my disappointment. Why was he being like this? Did he think I'd meant to hug him, or something? He'd have been wrong. I would've only tackled him if he'd been rude to me. Just to bother him really good for the last time.

But I didn't know what to do about this. So I didn't do anything. Maybe it was stupid, but I was at a loss for anything better.

"Let's go, Mokona!" I said in as upbeat a voice as I could manage. New worlds. New adventures… No one but Mokona to share them with. Not that I don't love Mokona to pieces – I do! - but in that moment I realized just how badly I'd been missing the kids. How badly I would miss Kuro-puu. And I remember how much I hated leaving.

Mokona leapt into the air, but instead of crying, "Mokona Modoki can't wait!" as he usually did, he merely hovered there, then said, "Good-bye, good-bye!" And then in the most subdued voice I'd ever heard from him: "Mokona doesn't want to go…"

"Me neither," I said back softly. It was the truth, yet he and I both knew there wasn't any choice. That was probably my fault; I'd made my choice long ago, back in Celes, and there was no changing it now. And maybe if I hadn't made my choice like that, maybe if Ashura-ou hadn't been following me, I would have given in to Mokona and myself and stayed.

Why am I even saying 'maybe'? There was no 'maybe about it. We would have stayed.

But there was Ashura-ou to consider, and I could not, in conscience, lead him to a world where I had friends who might purposely get in the way. That's one thing I don't ever want to add to any list of guilt.

Mokona's magic swirled up around me, hiding the other two from my view. Which was just as well, because just this once I could feel my smile trying to betray me. And I didn't want it to, not here. Call me a fool for trying to be 'strong' when it no longer mattered – but even that doesn't matter much any more. What's done is done, and sometimes knowing you can't go back and fix the things you wish had gone differently is enough to make you want to scream.

I got one last glimpse of the two of them in between the rising threads of Mokona's magic. I don't think they could see me, although I don't know that for certain. Tomoyo-hime's face was tired and quietly sad. I couldn't help but think that maybe it was best that this good-bye was forever. If I came back, I have the horrible feeling that I wouldn't even recognize either of them. And that would hurt worse than never seeing them again. Time passes. Sometimes it passes too quickly. I'll just remember Tomoyo-hime as I knew her here – and that will have to be enough.

Kuro-rin's expression was bitter as he turned away, bitter and hard as though he fought back more of that anger that has always afflicted him so badly. If he knew I could still see him, he didn't seem to care. But seeing him like that, I… I think I understood why he'd stayed back. Helplessness, and anger at that helplessness, had combined to make him awkward and sullen. Most things do, I know, but this more so than most. I hoped he wasn't blaming himself or anything like that. It wasn't his fault.

I couldn't have stayed, even if I'd wanted to – and I did want to, very badly. Fear of what will happen if I stop is what keeps me running, but more and more that fear has turned into a less selfish fear – fear for the people that I've come to care about. That's why I didn't stop in Clow, though Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan had begged me. That's why I couldn't stop here. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me.

It wasn't his fault, or Tomoyo-hime's, or really, anyone else's. It was just the way the world had worked out. Hitsuzen, the Dimensional Witch would probably have called it.

Sometimes hitsuzen can be pretty cruel.


End file.
